Don't feed the birds . . .

I was walking around downtown the other day. I was getting a blister on my right foot from the sandals I was wearing. For some reason I had predicted this before I had left my apartment and had packed a pair of flip flops in my bag.

I sat down on a bench to change my shoes. It was more complicated then one might expect. The flip flops were at the bottom of my bag, therefore I had to remove all my belongings first so that I could take the sandals out and replace them with the ones I was currently wearing.

I had chosen a spot next to a boy feeding birds. He had a clear tupperware container filled with sunflower seeds. The only thing moving was his right hand, which methodically plunged in and out of the tupperware to gather seeds and to throw them remissly to the ground. An older woman next to him was watching. She told him, "You know, the birds you feed are the same birds that shit on you!" The boy looked at her. He silently turned his head back around and continued to feed the birds.

More and more birds began to swarm around the benches. Feeling uncomfortable, I quickly packed up my bag and got up to walk away. As I stood to escape the anxiety of ravaging pigeons, the unthinkable happened. A bird shit on me.

Investigative Report: Lack of Pigeons

It began as a mere observation and turned into an extensive and thorough analysis. When walking to Riverbank park I found something to be missing. It was something I rarely take notice of, but due to the lack-there-of of this certain something it became quite apparent to me. What it was that I noticed was that there were no pigeons to be found - at least not very many.

Now, Down town, even midtown, if I may say so, there is a considerable amount more pigeons then I have found up here in Harlem (Strange? yes, I may say so). I encountered one on my walk and maybe two or three up above in the sky, but that is all. What can account for this lack on pigeons? What is the factor in this mysterious equation, which charts us on a path to pigeonlessness? It is not apparent at first glance, however, a closer investigation reveals quite a bit.

I needed not go to the library (being the bourgeois institution that it is) to solve the ponderies [not a real word*] of my mind. All that I needed was my trusty intuition and my preordained knowledge of birds. Once you hear my reasonings you will clearly understand.

It is quite simple really. Birds spend a considerable amount of time in the sky. The high altitude creates pressure on the bird's head causing the saturation of oxyhemoglobin to drop. As a result of this the bird experiences slight hypoxia, which subsequently produces the cholinergic neurons in the parabrachial and pedunculopontine nuclei of the tegmentum to temporarily degrade. Because it is only slight, there are no long term effects of this process and the cholinergic neurons eventually become restored. The short term effects are various forms of hallucination, which enhance the birds ability to find food at far distances. But, because of the deteriorating effects on the bird's brain, the bird must eventually come down from the sky and replenish its neural formation. Birds then try and seek the lowest point of altitude and the closets point to sea level. Depending on how long the bird was in flight, the bird will search for differing surface heights.

This can then explain why there are fewer birds "up"town then there are "down"town. Harlem is of a higher altitude then the lower parts of Manhattan and thus less birds are willing to rest their weary wings upon the brow of such urban highlands.

This all makes sense now. I hope its cleared up some inquiries you may have had as well.

Breakfast

Tomorrow we will be having breakfast, but it is always good to plan the night before what you will be having. Why? Because in our modern era most people are plagued with stress and stress related illnesses, which are mostly due to minute instances within our everyday lives. For example, deciding when you wake up what to eat! So, what shall we eat? You may be thinking, "well, how will I know what I want to eat tomorrow? Tomorrow I may be a completely different person. What about all the various experiences and unforeseen contingencies that shape our eating behavior and lust for foods? What may happen between now and when I awake?" Well, good question. There are many variants in our lives which dictate our wants and needs. Most of the time we over rationalize these issues and therefore are unable to make a decision. This is where our emotional selves come into play. Our emotional selves tells us, "Hey there. You need to make a decision. I want this so, I will have it." And thus a decision is made.
So, we will decide on breakfast. Then we will know exactly whats going to happen. We can now feel secure. You may even live longer.
You can thank me later (or now).

- Choice Advisor